Sexuality, Healing & the Need for Community
In the (nearly) three years that I have been blogging, without question the post that has drawn the most attention was when I shared about my own life long struggle with homosexual orientation. It has almost been a year since I wrote that post and I still receive comments and emails from around the world, the vast majority of which are positive. I am still working on my book, in which I explore in more detail my experiences.
One unexpected result of this post has been the number of letters I have received from people, mainly men, from all over the world who share with me very personal struggles with their own sexuality. I am humbled to be trusted with such intimate information and nervous when asked for advice. However, it has been deeply rewarding to be able to be a catalyst for openness and healing for some.
There are two common factors in almost all of these emails: first, that they do not feel at all safe sharing their struggles with their church community, even to specific friends and leaders (and be aware, some of these men are pastors themselves). Many believe without hesitation that it would be career and relational suicide to make such struggles known. Each time I read this I break a little bit inside.
The second point is desperate questions about what they can do to overcome or even survive the daily struggle. These questions are always most difficult, in part because I am not always qualified to speak to such complex issue and contexts I am so distant from, but also because the answer runs square into the wall of the first point above. What people need is the support, understanding and love of the Body of Christ. Sadly, this is often the very thing that is most unavailable and dangerous.
What is your experience with sexuality and the church community? Do you have a community where there is a safe and natural place for you to share your struggles, uncertainties and failures? Even if they are open, are they equipped to help you with the specifics of the issues? If you wish to reply anonymously, please feel free to do so. Of course, anyone demonstrating what I feel is insensitive or off topic comments will be deleted.
Let's talk.
Missional Homosexuality Church
Your transparency is both a blessing to the church universal, and a challenge to those of the rest of us who are not as transparent. I pray that the Lord would richly bless you in your book writing - and in the midst of the struggles with the Dusty Cover. (Comment this)
Thanks bro. That means a great deal to me. It has ben really great getting to know you guys and being able to call you friends.
Peace,
Jamie (Comment this)
it's romantic almost to say things like... "i USED to struggle with pornography, or i USED to have a problem with homosexuality." but to admit that you still struggle with sexual identity and/or addiction... that is absurd.
in one of the churches i attended for years, a man was very open, honest, and transparent about being a sexual addict. this was probably the healthiest thing he could be. it wasn't long however until he was approached by several who just didn't think it was 'appropriate' for him to be so honest.
jamie, you are right when you say the most important thing is support. but as i work with youth, i have had to apologize for sustaining a culture where we fake having it all together.
i am now in a community where we are learning to be authentic, transparent, and supportive of each other. what a difference it makes.
brad (Comment this)
Your absolutely right. I find it shocking that we can quote Jesus on "white washed tombs", but still put so much energy towards our external masks of so-called purity. I'm glad you have a community that is learning this openness.
Peace,
Jamie (Comment this)
In my high school on the mission field, sexuality was addressed often but mostly with a sense of warning - "Look how often lives are ruined by this... be careful!" Conservative standards were encouraged, leading to a variety of responses when we came back to the western world and found out just how conservative our back ground really was.
On the positive side, I did find that I came away with a sense that all guys struggles with sexuality in one way or another, so it doesn't need to be hidden... it needs to be talked about, walked through. As a woman, I was surprised when the women around me were shocked and disgusted by the struggles the guys talked about. Shock and disgust don't help, and it's gratifying to see the relief on a guys face when they see you still hold respect for them despite their struggles.
However, no one ever discussed masturbation or pornagraphy among women. I found out that some sexual issues were quite prevelant by building good relationships with women in which we could actually honestly speak of what had become our hidden shame. The church is a ways behind on dealing with sexuality in women.
My conservative Bible college was a lonely place for people with sexual struggles. The issue was again presented often, which I suppose is good, but I know that those who were struggling felt unable to speak until they had found some sort of "victory". There were counselors and professors who offered personal mentoring, though, which I think was often a positive influence.
As for a couple of stories that I found great hope in - One of the missionaries from the field I grew up on was exposed as being a sexual addict. He was taken off the field but was also intentionally surrounded by people who continued to express love and to walk along-side him and his wife as they attempted to rebuild their home and marriage. Today they still come to reunions and are received with joy, and it's beautiful to see the growth and strength of their marriage as well as a true loving community!
My church in Chicago asked the congregation (all 100 of us) to throw out any of our most pressing questions about faith and God, and they attempted to address them. One question that was turned in was from a man who struggled with homosexual tendancies and wanted to know how one could continue to know God while in such an intense struggle.
Our pastor spoke in tears to that anonymous question and to others like it that he assumed men and women in our congregation struggled with. He apologized for the years of condemnation and hatred from Christians. He walked through the passages in the Bible that address the issue and said that while he thinks it's quite possible that homesexuality could be genetic (just as most of the other temptations that each of us find particularly difficult to deal with - alcoholism, pornography, anger, etc.), he must stand by what he thinks the Bible is clearly saying, which is that it is wrong to live out a homosexual lifestyle.
He spoke with pain at the difficult choice that leaves these men with. He said that if a man chooses to be celibate then there is an immense amount of loneliness to be dealt with, and that that is what the community of the church is called to help with. He passionately called the community to surround people in this situation with community, love, and companionship.
I believe this approach provides both an acceptance of those who are struggling and hope for the future. (Comment this)
Long, yes, but well worth the read. Thanks! You make some excellent points. In my new book (as of yet unpublished) the chapter on sexuality is subtitled "Towards A Celebrated Sexuality". While we do need to be aware and cautious of sexual sin, that emphasis must always come secondary to the wonderful gift and beauty of sexuality.
As for women's sexuality, it is all to easy to see the historical development of repression, denial and condemnation on female sexuality. In a twist, I believe (in part) that this treatment of women's sexuality (at the hands of men) contributed to the increasing struggle in male sexuality. Our sexualities are caught up together, for better and for worse.
Thanks again for sharing these great thoughts and stories.
Peace,
Jamie (Comment this)
are there steps a leader can take to help communicate love to people struggling in sexual sin and sexuality?
i thought you might be able to cast some light on this for me. while i "think" i am a safe person to speak with, i dont know if i really am because i have never been on the other side so to speak. thanks bro. (Comment this)
Great questions, but very tough ones. In many cases, the problem is so systemic that it is hard know where to start. There needs to be a safe and anonymous way a person can share personal issues without fear of judgment. If you can find a way to make that available (i.e. an email address/website where people can privately and/or anonymously make first contact), it is a big first step.
The biggest things leaders can do to communicate love to the people struggling with sexual issues is to not define them by their sin or even by their sexuality. For example, when dealing with gay or homosexually oriented people, even well intentioned Christians keep the focus on that as the primary issue, when the person beyond the issue is more critical.
From what I know of you, Joe, I have little doubt that people would be comfortable communicating with you. One area to consider, however, is that as a man you will be limited in who will come. So finding a qualified female(s) to work with you is also crucial. The number of women in the church who have been sexually victimized is astounding.
Peace,
Jamie (Comment this)
1. for the first 17 yrs or so of being a christian i lived a surface ok life of the ideal christian whilst underneath the surface i was a veritable iceberg of dispair, frustration, selfishness, isolation, fear. In short i led two lives, a christian one and one where i lived out my sexuality - neither mixed and neither really satisfied in any sense.
2. About 5 yrs ago my life reached a real low, my marriage was hanging on by a thread, career was in tatters, my faith had all but disappeared. I guess i felt i had nothing to lose and confided with some christians who i was on a short term mission trip with at the time. The chief catyst for my confession was one of the guys, who was a snr pastor, was incredibly honest with me about his own struggles, in a very bumpy 7hr african bus journey.
Since then i have tried to live out of scenario 2 - to be honest about my struggles and brokeness - i figure if i can't be bothered to be honest than why would anyone else, so i often take the risk and share about where i am and who i am. There are times when i'm feeling crap with myself that i opt back to scenario 1 but that rings a lot more hollow these days. Not to mention i have built up a number of friendships where i can be honest and open and feel supported and challenged to go for the best rather than settle for what is ok. (Comment this)
Thanks so much for your honesty. Living number one is so terrifying and lonely, not to mention dangerous. Some, however, seem to have few options. Someone I know (a pastor) who struggles with homosexuality would literally have to fear for his life if he told his church leadership. A sad reality. Let us pray for those who don't have the support we are blessed to have. Thanks!
Peace,
Jamie (Comment this)
thanks again man, and i look forward to reading more.
(hey- i'm blogging now too! can you believe it? no "serious ones" yet, though) (Comment this)
Thanks. I appreciate your encouragement. It has been a tough journey, but glad to have people who support me through it. I also look forward to reading your blog.
Peace,
Jamie (Comment this)