Boy, can identify with this cartoon by David Hayward. I have really been struggling with the burn out on many fronts, such as health, sleep, etc. However, the most frustrating seems to be my inability to write here at my blog. It isn’t out of any sense of obligation, but rather that I really love to write and interact with you all. Thanks for your patience.
For all the inspiration Saint Francis is to us in faith and missional engagement, the fact remains that his lifestyle was not one that was sustainable, let alone replicable. His embrace of poverty and asceticism was remarkable and admirable in many respects, but ultimately extreme to a fault. There is little doubt that his death at the age 45 was relatively early, even by the eras standards. Inevitably (and for the best) the Franciscan order adjusted the rule of life accordingly (though with no small amount of controversy).
There is little doubt that Francis’ lifestyle was a reflection of his passionate love and devotion to God, and while I can only hope to demonstrate a fraction of that commitment, but I cannot help but wonder what might have been if he had taken better care of himself. Would he still have impacted the world with ripples of his life touching generation after generation? And even if he had not had such an impact, should that kind of self-destructive devotion be something we follow? After all, didn’t Christ embrace a life of suffering and death for others?
Obviously it is not a pattern of life we should all pursue. This has been particularly on my mind of late. While I do not even come close to the example of Francis, I have had to admit something this week that I have been ignoring for over a year, but is now a very present reality: burn out. Please understand, I am not being dramatic or overstating mild fatique. I have hit a wall that is unlike anything I have ever experienced before (and hope never to again). While the signs have been showing for some time, I kept telling myself that the occassional holiday and increased missions support would solve the problem. Time off and (relative) financial stability are important, but the truth is that the roots go deeper.
After much prayer, counsel and consideration, we recognize that the core problem lies with unsustainable leadership demands. While Kim could probably keep going for a long time (whereas I am at the end of my rope), we know it would come at too high a price, especially as desire to start a family. With the bookstore almost ready to open (despite another delay pushing the opening back to February- don’t get me started…), it is no longer a matter of cutting programs or projects. In truth, we’ve painted ourselves into something of a corner which requires a specific response.
So while we are taking some time off, our main goal over the next few months is to find leaders to come along side and share the leadership of our ministry. Obviously, our first impulse is to look within YWAM for leaders. However, YWAM everywhere is in need of leadership and staff, so I am not sure how (or if) this might happen. The other consideration is seeing some partnership with a church or group outside of YWAM. Let me be clear- it is not simply an issue of finances or volunteers, but people who can share actual leadership with us. Even with this (or other options we have not considered), we are not sure where to proceed.
It is easy, in times like this, to question my calling. It is easy to wonder if our failure to see the staff and leadership growth needed after 6 years is a reflection on the quality of our leadership or character. And yet, through it all, we deeply believe we are where we are called to be. However, without a serious change in the near future, I do not see myself being able to continue. Please pray with us as we look to the future. We don’t want to share Francis’ early demise (or anything even close), so we need the help and prayer of family and friends to discover the solution(s) to survive the future.
Thanks all.
Pax et bonum
Jamie
